Snakes, Lions, the occasional Badger & Plot Device
by Noir Lime Canuto
Summary: Hermione Sofia Maryland Cosby Granger sighed with content. Everything was going right this year, and she hadn't even gotten off the train yet. A parody. DM/HG


**_Snakes, Lions, the occasional Badger, & Plot Devices_**

As the train (you know the train) pulled up to the school (you know the school), Hermione Sofia Maryland Cosby Granger sighed with content. Everything was going right this year, and she hadn't even gotten off the train yet.

"Everything's been going right this year," she murmured to the stud sitting beside her, "and I haven't even gotten off the train yet."

"Whoa," said Draco Malfoy, who so happened to be the aforementioned stud. No, really. "Deja vu, I could've sworn I heard someone say exactly that before..."

The two of them stepped off of the train and into the Great Hall. The ceiling looked vaguely like the sky, and Hermione was beginning to wonder why that was. And then she remembered. A dragon has eaten the roof the previous year, and replaced it with floating candles, obviously. She'd read that in _Hogwarts: A History._

"Attention, class," said a very old man with a very long beard who Hermione thought looked suspiciously like Dumbledore.

Everyone in the hall looked up. Even Professor McGonagall, who was known among her students as 'Madam Alka-Seltzer.'

"I'm going to go sit with the Slytherins," Draco whispered to Hermione, "Buh-bye!" and then he skipped off through the hall, his very thin cloak revealing his tan, muscular, suddenly sexy physique.

Hermione started to cry beause she missed Draco, but Ginny cheered her up.

"Hey, Hermione, don't cry! It's me! Your friend!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Virginia Tinkerbelle Weasely, of course."

"Oh, right, that blond friend of mine. You were saying?"

Ginny, who was really really ugly and stupid and nobody liked her because and not even Harry did and she was ugly. Harry likes me. Ginny said, "Listen to Dumbledore! He's giving a speech!"

"Ok," said Hermione, who's favorite pastime, besides drinking flaming alchoholic magical beverages, was taking orders.

"...And that concludes my incredibly detailed and reasonable explanation as to why everything is so very different this year. Now, because I'm aware that some of the Hufflepuffs might not have figured out where they are yet, much less what's going on this year, I will repeat myself, except this time I will leave out my reasoning behind these bits, so as not to confuse them.

This year we will be having a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. There wasn't really anything wrong with last year's, but I figured that he was getting a bit boring, and decided to switch things up a bit. Please welcome the new professer. His name is Professor Acalanthis McAngel. He only graduated Hogwarts himself about a year ago, and is perfectly suitable for teaching. Not to mention attractive, which is always something we look for in teachers--" here he winked at Professor McGonagall, but no one seemed to notice.

"Anyway, the next change this year is that four exchange students will be attending our school, one for each house. Also, my pheonix had babies, so I'll be making a couple of you train them, but we'll get into that more later.

"Oh, right, and also, I need to announce the new head boy and head girl. The head girl is..."

Everyone in the room gasped, suddenly finding the heads of house amazingly interesting.

"Hermione Sofia Maryland Cosby Granger, of Gryffindor house."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ginny cried, dropping to the floor in agony, "Nooooooo! I wanted to be the main character! Me! MEEEE!"

Professor Acalanthis McAngel sensed trouble. He could've simply shut the girl up with his wand from across the room, he could even have made it seem natural by performing the spell discreetly under the table, but no, that would've been really bloody boring, so instead he leapt onto the table, jumped back off, dashed across the room (making it sort of silly that he has 'dashing' good looks) and next to the sobbing girl. He took her in his arms, and murmured, "Stopius Trantrumatartum."

Ginny looked up into the eyes of her savior. "My hero!" she cried.

"No!" said Ron, shoving his sister out of the way, "MY hero!"

And then Professor Acalanthis McAngel and Ron ran away together, leaving both Ginny and Lavender Brown utterly confused.

"Anyway," said Dumbledore, who was now juggling horcruxes to get his students' attention, "the new head boy is Ernie MacMillan!"

Everyone in the hallway gasped. "Draco?" they all murmured. "DRACO MALFOY?" "How did he end up head boy?" "Why would you appoint him?" "What?"

Dumbledore shook his head, "No, no, I said _Ernie MacMillan_!"

Hermione gasped, then ran over to the Slytherin table. "It's you!" she cried gleefully, with non-makeup-destroying-tears in her eyes, "It's you! You're the new head boy!"

"Actually, it was Ernie MacMillan," Goyle pointed out before Filch karate chopped him in the face.

"Shut up," said Malfoy, his face bright puce [which, as it turns out, is not green but purple, go figure] , "I don't need your pity! I don't need your friendship! I don't need your advanced snogging capabilities! Just leave me alone!"

And then Draco stormed to his room in a fit of sexy angst that was sexy.

Goyle began to say something again, but Filch drop-kicked the words right out of his mouth, with the help of his side kick, Wonder Norris.

Hermione started crying, and Harry wasn't sure why.

So, he followed her up to the girl's dormitory and asked her why she was crying.

"Because," she said, "I bet Parvati Patil thirty galleons that puce was a shade of green!"

**THE END**

_**Disclaimer: **_This all belongs to J.K. Rowling, though I dunno why she'd want _this_. Harry Potter as a whole is worth owning, though.

_**Author's Note:**_ Well, I know it wasn't very good, but it's Halloween, and I haven't written anything in ages, and figured you good people deserve something to read at least on Halloween. Because it is a reading holiday. Anyway, regardless of whether or not you liked it, reviews are very much appreciated. Have a lovely day, and thanks for reading!


End file.
